Equivalent Stupidity
by WeLockedEnvyInACloset
Summary: Things can get pretty frightening when you throw the FullMetal Alchemist characters, some really creepy OCs, and a nights worth of liquor into one fanfiction.... (Practically every pairing sooner or later...)
1. CH I, Part I

_**FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST: Equivalent Stupidity**_

_**A joint fan fiction by Erin Lightning and Alina Blackwing**

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_

_**Forward:**_

_There once were two high school girls, Erin and Alina. Now, these two would have been perfectly sane and normal...except they both had this REALLY, really, really, really big fascination with one particular anime show: FullMetal Alchemist. These two were OBSESSED. They watched the show every waking moment, and when they weren't watching it, they were talking about it. They wrote stories, and read the books. They collected plushies, pillows, pictures, yaoi doujinshi...They dreamed about it, and they shoved pictures in other people's faces, who, in turn, screamed and ran._

_Then, one day, they were given a notebook. On a whim, Erin scribbled in it that it was to be just an ordinary role-play. But that was no good. The two became so involved with the book that it grew to over a hundred pages of writing, and they were forced to get a new one. Meanwhile, the stupidity never stopped: Envy was sadistic, Riza shot people, the OC's were attacked by random homunculus, and, in return, killed said homunculus, and the entire FMA crew got very, very drunk. So drunk, in fact, that Riza ended up in a miniskirt. And that's only the beginning!_

_Then, one day, Alina decided that it should be made into a role-play._

_And so it was._

_You're reading it._

_Wow, this introduction was totally...lame...Oh well, back to the drawing board.

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_

_**Cast:**_

_Erin plays Edward Elric, Roy Mustang, Maes Hughes, Jean Havoc, Gluttony, Greed, Dante, Hohenheim Elric, Martel and Barry the Chopper, as well as three of her own made-ups, Brigadier Erin Lightning, Lieutenant Naoki Keppler, and Kareena "Kari" Watashi._

_Alina plays Alphonse Elric, Riza Hawkeye, Envy, Scar, Alex Louis Armstrong, Lust, Wrath, and Bradley, as well as three of her own made-ups, Alina Blackwing, Ryzen Caliko, and Kirikiva Souta._

_**Warning:**_

_Since this was originally a role-play, it skips around a lot. Just figured we'd let you know in advance.

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_

_**"In order to gain something, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only, truth."

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**_

_**Chapter I: "Insanity has a name, and that name is ENVY!"  
PART I

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**_

Roy Mustang immediately had come to regret bringing _EVERYONE_ with to dinner. It was already proving to be well more then a hassle.

The restaurant itself was not the problem, not by far. In fact, Taisa was rather fond of the rustic, olden-looking walls, with their Italian-style, and their long, overhanging vines. He liked the polished oaken tables, and the setting of candles on each table, other then bright fluorescent lights. And it was dusk now, so the lighting and the mood was set just right. No, it was not the restaurant's fault that he was not enjoying himself.

It was the other people's fault, that was what was wrong.

"Oooooh Edo-kun! Havoc! Don't you want to see my totally adorable new pictures of Elysia?" Maes sang from across the room. Customers, disturbed from their meals, either resorted to snickering and pointing at the State Alchemists, or merely turned their heads in Roy's direction.

Havoc didn't want to see the damned pictures again. This he had decided quite early on in the night. In fact, the only thought on his mind, as he chugged a big swig of vodka, was, _'Please, if there is a God, let me get drunk. The sooner, the better.'_

Edward was the only one actually seated, like a civilized being. He, as always, looked dwarfed in his big red coat, and over-sized in his large boots, even when he was sitting. Roy was surprised the boy hadn't been handed a kiddy menu when they had walked in. Now, the boy grinned in Roy's direction, and stated, "They have steak."

"Edo, you're too short for steak," Roy pointed out.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLIN-"

"What's this?" asked a young girl who had walked up behind Ed. She was savvily dressed in a black and white maid's uniform, with a long, flowing skirt (Think Chobits, people), and had long silver hair. Her eyes were wide and questioning and a large pair of bottle-cap glasses framed these eyes. She was young, about 17 maybe, and was 5'9. Her finger was currently pointed at the steak Ed had been considering only minutes before. This was Kareena.

Ed and Roy paused their bickering long enough for Ed to reply, blinking stupidly, "Steak..."

"Oh." The girl stared at the picture of the steak on the menu as if it were foreign to her. Finally, after much thought, she asked, "What is this "steak" you speak of?"

-------------------

As this was taking place, the door to the restaurant opened, and in walked three people, or rather, two women and suit of armor. The armor got a few weird looks, but more eyes were focused on the girl standing right next to Riza Hawkeye, the military dog who had accompanied her in. The girl's black and blood red bangs hung about her face, framing it, making her different colored eyes stand out. The rest of her hair was pulled back into a ponytail, creating a water-like effect to the colors of her hair.

Her black trench coat flared as she walked, and under this coat she wore a tight red tank top. Her belt, buckled quite loose, did little to hold up her black pants, which sat askew across her hips, showing a bit of midriff. A chain hung from one of the belt loops and disappeared into her pocket. Her footfalls were silent, even though she wore dark, heavy-looking boots. Her hands were covered by the thin white cloth of gloves. On the back of both gloves was a transmutation circle, both identical, that signified death or darkness.

She raised a gloved hand and pushed her bangs back behind her ears, before saying something to Riza. Hawkeye laughed and shook her head. The girl, flicking her eyes about in search or Roy, Havoc, and Ed, was Alina Blackwing. She was also, more commonly known, however, as the Dark Alchemist.

Riza turned to Alina and pointed at Ed and Roy, who had been arguing. 'No surprise there,' Alina thought. Just then, Al's child-like voice came from the suit of armor next to her.

"Nii-san!" he cried happily as the three of them stopped at the table.

Riza saluted Taisa. Her golden hair was pulled back as always, and she wore the usual State uniform, and gun. Beside her, Alina nodded to Roy and smiled at Ed. "Hey shrimp," she said, ignoring the particular fact that she herself, at about 5'1-5'2, was shorter then Ed by a couple of inches when she wasn't wearing boots, which brought her height even with his.

"Nii-san, we walked all the way over here! We saw a litter of kittens that had been abandoned, but don't worry, I left them with an old lady. Who's that?" Al asked, looking at Kareena.

----------------------

Edward waved away Al's question, and, with a heaving sigh, turned to face his younger brother. "Just some crazy chick. Hey, Al, do you mind telling these two," he gestured at Alina and Roy, "that I'm **_NOT_** short?"

Roy smirked cat-like at Edward, then turned to Alphonse with joking obsidian eyes. "Ah, yes, Alphonse, just as cute as the older Elric, as always. I'm glad you could make it on such short notice." He turned to Riza, smiled. "As with you, Hawkeye." He turned to greet Alina, however, with a frown, his voice turning sarcastic. "But _who_ invited _you_, Dark Alchemist?"

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Meanwhile, Hughes, in the background, had found a GREAT new victim for his picture torture. He was becoming overly pleased to shove picture after picture into Kareena's hand. The girl didn't mind. In fact, she couldn't have minded because she had this little...complex...where she couldn't seem to remember anything for longer then two seconds.

"Who's this?" Kareena pointed to a picture of Elysia.

"My daughter! Isn't she just so adorable?" Maes snatched back the picture and dragged out a new one, passing it to her gleefully.

"Who's' that?" she pointed at the new picture.

Maes, not the least bit aggravated, replied, "My daughter! Isn't Elysia cute in her little swimsuit?"

-------------------------

Havoc was attempting to chug beer after beer now, having had enough of the hard liquor, when he was approached by two youngsters...

---------------------------

Alina looked at Ed and grinned, before turning to Roy, a malicious glint in her eyes. "No one."

Riza shook her head. "I invited her, Taisa. She was bored and bound to start trouble. She had already started, ahem, 'rearranging' your office." She smirked. Alina wasn't nearly as bad as Roy thought she was. She just had...a really short attention span.

"Awww...Riza, you weren't supposed to tell him," whined Alina.

"Nii-san, did you know that Alina's shorter then you?"

"Al!" Alina groaned, "That isn't supposed to be known!"

"Oops, sorry Alina."

"It's alright. Sooo..." she turned to Roy. "Taisa's a flamer then?" she asked, having heard Roy's comment about Al. Alphonse sweat dropped.

Riza looked up as a loud and rowdy kid 'popped' in (magically). He grinned and swept a hand through his unruly greenish-black hair. Snickering, he saw Ed and sauntered over to him. "Hey there, Edo-kun. Miss me?" He draped an arm over Ed's shoulder and played with one of the buttons on the boy's jacket.

"Gee, thanks, Envy-san. Hi to you too."

Envy looked up towards a sulking Alina. "Oh, hey, Dark. What's up?" he asked, still fiddling with Ed's jacket, now with both hands.

Alina shrugged and looked around. She saw Havoc, getting as drunk as he could, a really tall girl who seemed quite ditzy, and the other people still staring at her. She raised an eyebrow, and the other customers all went back to their food. Then, she looked back at Ed, who, by now, Envy was trying to convince to do something or other. Probably trying to get Ed to allow him to, ah, 'torture' FullMetal.

"Envy, leave him alone. He's mine," Alina stated, grinning.

Envy looked up at her. "Since when?"

"Since now."

"Aww, fine," he stepped away from Ed. "Can I have Roy?"

"Sure, go ahead."

"No," Hawkeye stated, entirely serious.

Envy whined. "He isn't fun to torture anyway."

"Then why'd you ask?" Riza glared at Envy as he drifted over to Alina, resting an arm across her shoulder, leaning on her. Alina didn't seem to care.

"Because I wanted to see what you'd say." He snickered.

Riza blushed, but the color disappeared almost immediately. "Idiot."

* * *

_**To be Continued...**_


	2. Ch I, Part II

_**FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST: Equivalent Stupidity**_

_**A joint fan fiction by Erin Lightning and Alina Blackwing

* * *

**_

_**"In order to gain something, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only, truth."**__**

* * *

**_

_**Chapter I: "Insanity has a name, and that name is ENVY!"  
PART II**__**

* * *

**_

Ed paid them all no attention, but snickered madly at the fact that Alphonse had pointed out Alina's height. Roy, unconciously, slapped Ed lightly on the head, and gave a quick, "Stop that."

"Stop what?" Ed asked, rubbing his head and looking defiantly at Roy, who still refused to look back at him.

"You know what." Roy's gaze turned to Alina. "I wish you wouldn't barter me without my consent." He grinned, and jested, "After all, Dark Alchemist, who needs a shorty like you as a girlfriend?" His attitude was cocky as he said this, but it changed to a lighter, more playful tone as he looked over to Hawkeye, formally, and said, "Lieutenant Hawkeye on the other hand..." He gave one of those tiger-growls that signified he had at least a slight interest in his co-worker.

-----------------------------------

Havoc was jolted from his beer delusion by a boistrous slap on the back, and a peal of thunderous laughter from a girl who had just approached. Her bright red hair was spiked up, and had even brighter golden streaks in it. A homunculus bandanna, which lookedvery much like Envy's,was tied around her head.

The girl slung herself onto a stool at the bar, inches away from Jean, her tan trenchcoat hanging over the stool almost regally. When she noticed he was glaring at her, she flashed a wide, toothy grin. "Yo, Havoc! What's up?" This was followed by her hand reaching out and snagging his beer bottle, her eyes focusing on it in concentration.

"Brigadier Lightning, what _are_ you doing?"

"Sitting, what's it look like?" She snickered at her own unfunny joke, then added, "and soon to be drinking." When she got a skeptical gaze in return, she twirled the bottle in her hand expertly, not spilling a drop. "Well, I just turned 21 about a month ago. That's cause enough for celebration, isn't it?" She grinned again, then downed the rest of his bottle like it was a shot.

"Hey-I was...drinking that..."

She reached into her pocket and grabbed up a dollar, flinging it down on the bar in front of him. "Well, buy 'nother then." Playfully, she flashed a cat-like look at him and said, almost as an afterthought, "Bet I can outdrink you, Second Lieutenant Havoc."

"You're on."

--------------------------------

Riza blushed madly, her hand twitching unconciously towards her gun. She supressed the urge to start shooting at Taisa, instead saying, "What the hell do you want, Mustang?"

Envy snickered at Roy's comment about Alina. "You're a foolish one, Flamey," he said, stepping away from Alina, who was currently pulling off one of her gloves. Only three people in this room knew what happened when she touched a living thing with her bare hand, besides herself of course. Envy knew, therefore, he had taken up bothering Ed again.

"You two are going out? Why didn't anybody tell me?" Envy whined in their general direction.

Riza stepped away from the Dark Alchemist as well. She was the second person who knew. She smirked as Alina advanced on Roy, her bare hand at her side. This was _so_ much better then just shooting at the Colonel.

"What did you just call me Taisa? Did I just hear you say I'm short?"

Roy, of course, was the third and final person who knew about her 'gift'.

Alina's red and blue eyes narrowed dangerously. She reached out towards Roy with her ungloved hand. Her fingers brushed his uniform for a brief moment.

Envy flicked his eyes toward Alina dn Roy, muttering softly, "Damn, he's lucky she has to directly touch someone for it to work." He shrugged and went back to questioning Ed about this or that.

Al sighed. Why didn't everyone just get along? Well at least Major Hughes and the 'crazy chick', as Ed called her, were getting along. Though something seemed a bit odd about the tall girl.

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Roy didn't flinch as she touched his uniform, he just gave her a truely cocky look and stared defiantly at Alina. "Come now, Alina, why so uptight today?" He smirked. "Since when have you let your chibi state aggravate you?"

Ouch. Roy Mustang had just brought out the big guns in an attempt to hit a vital weak point in her defenses. He was one who knew that she, just like Edward, easily gave in to taunts, an attirbute that the Colonel found simply detestable.

"A good soldier would hold even the slightest anger in check. Besides, you don't want to be locked away like 'Mad Bomber' just for killing me, do you?"

The cards had been dealt, and Roy's bet was in. Now, the game was just beginning.

Ed started to back away slowly, not knowing what exactly was happening, but feeling it wasn't going to be good. He shot Envy a glance at overhearing his words, and asked curiously, "For what to happen?" Looking to Riza, he repeated the question, watching her expression carefully, waiting for an answer.

--------------------------------

Meanwhile, as this was happening, a young man in military garb had entered the room and was now pushing through a crowd of pedestrians, brushing a hand back through short, lightly spiked and tousled crimson hair. His huge blue eyes searched the room, and he called, "Sis?"

"Sis-whoa!" he tripped suddenly, as he backed into a rather burly man and found himself staring up into a large, meaty face. The young recruit was starting to back away from the man's scornful look, muttering apologies. but the man simply turned away from him with a muttered, "Watch yourself, boy!"

The young man sweatdropped, and finally, several minutes later, maade his way to the bar. He looked around, spotted his target, and was immediately at Lightning's side, nudging her shoulder. He gave a sigh when she didn't answer, and nudged again.

"Oi! Keppler! 'Ere, join us!" she whirled around, greeted him with the usual slap on the back that almost knocked the wind out of him, and passed him a bottle.

"Sis," he sighed, "you're not supposed to drink, remember? Ai...Hohenheim's going to kick my ass..." he lowered his head, defeatedly, setting the bottle back on the bar.

His sister, who quickly lost interest in him, turned back to havoc, and seemed engaged in a heated conversation now. Something to do with puppies, guns, and blowing things up. Naoki Keppler took a seat nearby, but didn't care to listen to theirincessant talking. All he could think of was his impending doom.

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Envy looked at Ed, somewhat suprised. "You mean your _girlfriend_ didn't tell you?" He scowled. Sighing,he stated, "If she directly touches a livingorganism, skin-to-skin, with her hand, the said organism immediately starts to rot and die."

Alina's eyebrow started twitching as Roy breached her sense of self-pride. "Bastard..." she snarled. "I don't know who the_hell_ you think you are, Roy Mustang, but I am _**not**_ a ultra hyper chibi-sized midget! For all I care, youcan go soak yourself in gasoline, and snap your twisted, demonic fingers, asshole."

-------------------------

Ed whimpered. He wasn't Mustang's ultimate fan (Hell, he rather had a true loathing for the Taisa), but he didn't particulalry want for Roy to "rot and die". "Mustang, just let it go...C'mon, Taisa, think of how this fight looks to your superiors and back away. Alina, don't hurt him.." Ed pleaded, much as Al might.

But Roy wasn't someone to just "let it go". No, instead, he was pulling on a glove inside the pocket of his jackt as he sought Alina's eyes with his own. "I'm sorry," he said, sincerely. "I meant that you were shorter then a...what was it you said? An "ultra-chibi midget"?" He smiled, truely enjoying this. "And you, little dark-hyper-dwarf can go into exterminating _little_ bugs with that _GREAT_," he said, sarcastically, "power of yours." He knew what Riza would say in diatribe against him later: that he was careless, yada yada. Still, this game was fun, and he wanted to raise the stakes.

-------------------

"Sis, come on.." Keppler begged, tugging on her sleeve. "C'mon, no more drinking..."

"I'll done say when I've 'ad enough!" she slurred, stupidly, in response, shoving her elbow into Havoc's side simultaneously, and ordering, "Pass me another beer, 'avoc."

Jean hiccupped, and shoved one her way. What was this girl? A god? Or a cow? That was it, she had to be a cow to hold that much liquor. Maybe next time he would be smarter then to challenge her. But, as it was, he didn't want to lose to a girl, even if he was way too far past his limit.

----------------------

Alina growled again and grabbed Roy's collar, lifting him off the ground. She held her hand a breath's width away from his face. "Roy...Mustang..." she curled her hand into a fist, thought better of it, and flung Roy aside into a chair right in front of the wall.

"Hey! Look who all is here!" Alex Louis Armstrong, shirtless as usual, popped up behind Alina, who acted soully on reflexes and flipped backwards into the air. She twisted in midair, and landed perfectly on the man's shoulders.

Envy stared, his mouth agape. "Hey..." he whined, "that's my move!"

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Roy blinked as he suddenly found himself in a chair. He whimpered, softly, "That hurt."

Ed cast him a quick glance. "Serves you right."

-----------------------

The last thing Jean Havoc heard before he tipped over, drunk off of his semi-manly ass, was Armstrong. Later, he would come to think of his unconciousness as a blessing. As he fell out of the stool, his head had a...painful...meeting with the floor, that was sure to leave his lights out for a few hours. Ten minutes at least.

Erin whimpered, "You done?" in Havoc direction, but didn't even hesistate to continue drinking without him.

-----------------------

Alina made a pose that Envy would have made. "It's been nice knowing ya, Armstrong. Sorry you can't stick around." She grinned and looked down at Armstrong, who stared up at her

"What do you mean, Miss Blackwing?"

She shrugged, and touched the top of his head with her pointer finger. She smiled, flipped off of his shoulders,and landed a perfect ten on the floor beside Ed. She slipped her glove back on her hand as he bangs fell in front of her eyes, not even having to look back at him as Armstrong began to 'rot and wither'.

----------------------

Roy, blinking groggily from his chair, could only think, "Holy _SHIT_ I am _SO_ glad that wasn't me."

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_**To be Continued...** _

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**Erin answers Reviews!**

**IArguedWithGodOverEd: **Alina, you weren't supposed to put up the first review you bum! -smacks Alina with a random pencil that she found on the floor-.

**Kaiya-Chan: **Thanks for your support! -grin- I love Maes! -blink- Wow, that was random. Okay, scratch that. Anyway, thanks for the input. We'll be more then happy to write soon, wouldn't we, Alina? -pokepokenudge-

**Koru: **Sorry it didn't please you. It's a role-play after all, so its written a bit differently then most fanfictions, that, and it's just the first part of the first chapter. if you want to flame, go right on ahead, bu wait until we've actually gotten the story started, k? That, and, well, some stories are hits, some are misses, it all depend on what you like. -shrug- Thanks for reviewing anyways!


	3. Ch I, Part III

_**FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST: Equivalent Stupidity**_

_**A joint fanfiction by Erin Lightning and Alina Blackwing**___

* * *

_**"In order to gain something, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only, truth."**___

* * *

_**Chapter I: "Insanity has a name, and that name is ENVY!"  
PART III**___

* * *

Brigadier Lightning had no clue what was going on outside the bar area of the restaurant, as she scaled the mini-bar, grabbed up an empty beer bottle, and, as if it were a microphone, began to sing into it, "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts."  
Keppler grabbed her pants leg. "Get down, sis, before someone tells Sir Hohenheim on you!"  
She paid Keppler no mind, but kicked Havoc lightly in the side. "Oi, 'avoc! Join me mate!" In response, he fell backwards off the stool, and, lacking entirely in grace, crashed to the floor, continuing his current hobby, which just happened to be sleeping.

Outside the bar area, Ed was much more verbal on the part of Alina's strange "gift". He whined, taking several steps back, cowering behind Al, Envy, and Riza. He spoke but two words, intensified with a light shiver, his eyes becoming wide and chibi-like, "Alina Scary!"

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Envy snickered and imitated Ed.  
Alina smirked and lifted her hand, pushing her bangs back behind her ears. She drew a transmutation circle around the grayish-white bones and transmutated them into a finely carved dagger, which she picked up and threw at Envy. The homunculus stopped bothering the chibi and caught the blade of bone by the handle.  
Riza sighed and walked over to Roy. "Sir," she said, formally. "It's your first appearance in a while. It would look better if you weren't slumped down in a chair."  
Al sweatdropped as Ed hid behind him. "Nii-san, she's not _that _scary. Look at it this way. He's not our escort anymore." Armstrong had taken to contemplating how cute Al had been when he'd had his body, and it made Al a bit uncomfortable. He was actually glad that Armstrong was gone now.  
Meanwhile, several feet from the whole scene, a tanned man of somewhere between twenty and thirty 'popped' in. A scar in the shape of a white 'x' lay across his face, hence the name: Scar. He looked around the restuarant, confused. "What the hell?" he asked. "How the hell did I get here?"  
Envy looked at him for a moment, then grinned. "Don't worry about it. You'll get used to it."  
Scar scratched his head. His stomach growled and he grinned sheepishly. "I'm hungry."

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Roy blinked up at Riza and grinned. "Yeah, I guess you-"

The door of the restaurant burst open in that instant, and a rather large crowd made their way in. Every eye in the palce was turned to the garish newcomers, which included a young woman with short black hair in the lead, a spiky-haired (and might I add well-dressed) and shark-toothed man sauntering several steps behind her, and a roly-poly blob in the rear.  
Dante, the woman, paused at the doorway and her cold eyes landed directly on Roy Mustang. "Oh great," she said, with only slight sarcasm, "It's you and the goody-two-shoes gang."  
"I think that's my line," Roy replied, standing. "What are _you_ doing here, witch?"  
Dante sneered. "Same as you." She cast an unfeeling eye about the little restaurant, her mouth curling in disgust. "That bastardisn't here, is he?"  
Behind her, the shark-toothed man, Greed, was casually fixing his pimp glasses and watching, perplexed, as Gluttony, the roly-ploy, grabbed up a chair from a nearby table and shoved the whole thing into his over-sized maw.  
Roy gave arepulsed look in the homunculus' direction, and, to Dante, replied, sarcastically, "What do you care?"

Kareena, several tables down from the action, had decided by now that one could only take so much of Maes Hughes. She stood, slowly.  
"Something wrong?" he grinned.  
A dark aura seemed to surround the girl, making her features appear ghastly. Her blank gray eyes flashed a blood red, and her silver hair fell in her face, giving her a Samara-esque scariness. "Go...away..."  
Maes froze, sweatdropped, then found himself nodding and frantically running in the opposite direction.  
Eyes fading back to normal, Kari sat back in her seat, brushing her hair back. "That was annoying."

--------------------

Riza had been poised to hit Roy when the homunculus walked in. She stopped in mid-slap and looked at dante. "Cause trouble, and I swear to God, I will blow your fucking brains out," she snarled.

"Gluttony, do behave yourself." The 'leader' of the homunculus sauntered in, smirking. Lust was wearing her normal black dress with her hair down, just as always. A small child came in, holding tight onto her hand. His purplish-gray eyes were large and round, and, clutched in his free hand, he held a glazed donut. He quickly hid it behind his back as Envy approached him.  
"What was that, Wrath?" Envy asked.  
"Nothing!" Wrath said, quickly.

Alina yawned and leaned on Ed. "I'm tired."

----------------------

Dante shot daggers at Riza with her eyes. "Grow up pussy, you can't even last two minutes against me. That and, go ahead, blow my fucking brains out. I'm already dead, remember?"  
Gluttony looked at Lust and gave a quick "'Kay..", looking as if he had been thoroughly scolded. His pudgy hand reached out and prodded Wrath's back, trying to get the donut from the small boy. "Can I eat it?" His tongue draped lavishly out of his mouth, his acidic drool pooling on the floor beneath him.  
Greed eyed the homunculus, rather creeped, then slowly inched his way towards the bar. Waving a hand flippantly, he exaggerated a sigh. "How do they expect me to work in these condi-" he paused, grinned. "Hey, amybe there'll be some babes at the bar! Mmm...booze and boobs..."

Roy, watching Riza and Dante square off, turned nonchalantly to edward. "FullMetal?"  
Ed blinked. "Yeah, Mustang?"  
"Let's get some food," Roy said, heading towards a table.  
"S-sure thing," Ed replied, following. "You coming, Al?"

When Greed got to the bar, he wasn't sure it was any better then the rest of the restaurant. It seemed to be Karaoke time: a crazy red-haired chick with a beer bottle in one hand and her other arm slung over an officer's shoulders was singing. And the guy was singing too.  
Hughes and Erin. Singing "I'm Too Sexy".  
Now, what troubled Greed was not the beer bottles they were using as microphones, nor the singing itself. What bothered Greed, what really irked him, was that they were singing out of tune.

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Alina scowled as Ed walked away from her. It was in that small time-frame that she saw Lust. She started twitching, wanting more then anything to pull off her glove, though she knew it wouldn't do anything. She couldn't kill a homunculus, she knew; she had already tried her trick on Envy.  
Lust looked over at Alina, and her mouth curled into a slow smile. "Well, well, well. Look who we have here," she said as Wrath stuffed the whole donut into his mouth, trying to keep it out of the reach of both Gluttony and Envy.  
Alina snarled and glared at Lust. "It's the bitch from Hell, coming back to haunt everyone with her ugly face," she replied.  
Envy was now, in the time it had taken Alina to make that comment, on top of Wrath, both homunculus lying on the floor, with Wrath pinned under Envy, who was trying to pry the kid's mouth open.

Al looked at Roy and Ed, then at Envy and Wrath, and nodded hastily.  
Riza sighed and followed Mustang, casting a last glare back at Dante.  
Scar, following, poked Roy in the shoulder as he pased. "Can I eat with you?" His arm twitched as he touched the alchemist.

-------------------------

Roy shrugged. "Whatever, just no exploding body parts at the table." He found a rather large booth and sank down into it, Ed following suit. A waiter passed by, but paused when he realized there were customers at the table.  
"What can I get you?"  
"Steak," said Ed. "With Sprite."  
"Milk," Roy corrected.  
"Wha-? Goddamn it Mustang! I said Sprite!"  
"You're too short. You need milk to get taller, or you won't make a good date for me to take...well, anywhere," Roy said, rather quietly so the easily-upset Riza Hawkeye wouldn't hear him.  
Ed blushed furiously, then looked at Riza and whined, "Hawkeye, tell him I don't need milk!"

Gluttony gave an angry look as Wrath shoved the donut in his mouth. He was starving, having had Lust's careful eye on him for so long, and therefore having been kept from snacking on mortals recently. This led to the homunculus deciding, in his food-motivated mind, that he _BADLY_ wanted that sugary donut, Gluttony jumped his fat self on top of the other two homunculus on the floor, perhaps thinking that crushing them would get him the donut. Somehow.  
Dante whirled on the dogpile, snarling, "Fools, get up! This is a _restaurant_ for Christ's sake! Stop fighting over one damn donut!"

In the bar, shark-tooth's voice could be heard over the other two's, his arm slung over his "pals" shoulders as he crooned into a beer bottle of his own, "I'm a model, you know what I mean..."

------------------

Riza had had enough of this foolishness. She took out her gun and fired one shot between Alina and Lust, who were now at each other's throats. Literally. The two paused and looked at Riza.  
"What the flippin' hell was that for, Hawkeye?" Alin asked.  
Riza waved the gun from the two, to the seats at the table between Scar and Ed. "Sit. Now. _Both_ of you."

* * *

_**To be Continued...**_


	4. CH I, Part IV

_**FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST: Equivalent Stupidity**_

_**A joint fanfiction by Erin Lightning and Alina Blackwing**___

* * *

_**"In order to gain something, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only, truth."**___

* * *

_**Chapter I: "Insanity has a name, and that name is ENVY!"  
PART IV**___

* * *

Alina said something and Riza glared at her. "_What_?"  
"I said, "I don't want to sit by her."" Alina said, a bit louder.  
"Fine. Lust, sit on the other side of Scar. No arguement."  
Lust shot a glare at Alina, who stuck her tongue out at the homunculus and then actually did as she was asked for once. Scowling again as she sat down by Edward, Alina busied herself by looking at the menu.  
Envy looked up at Dante and flicked her off. "I'll do as I please," he said, going over to the table and sitting between Alina and Scar.  
Things only seemed to intensify as Wrath scrambled away from Gluttony's mouth, swallowing the donut in one gulp. He climbed into the chair on the other side of Lust, immediately popping into the conversation with, "I want ice cream!"  
"No! No sugar for you!" Envy's voice came from down the table.  
Lust glanced at Wrath. "You can have steak." Wrath whined, but Lust silenced him with a look.  
Scar watched Lust and Wrath quietly. He glanced nonchalantly at Gluttony, then at Roy who was currently Riza's new target in her gun-motivated threatening.  
Riza, her grip quite tight on that gun, snarled at Roy, "He gets Sprite, Mustang. And if I hear one more comment like the one you just made, and I am referring to the one you thought I couldn't hear, Sir, I'm going to have to shoot you in a place where the sun doesn't shine."  
Al sweatdropped. "Can everyone please get along?"

---------------------------------------------

Roy perked instantly, not even bothering to sweatdrop in the crazy gun-toting chick's presence as he smiled and said, "Okay, Hawkeye, as long as I get to sit by you."  
As Dante took her seat beside Wrath, she glared at Envy, and, her voice, low, growled, "I might not be Hohenheim, but you had best watch your mouth, Envy Elric, because I am the ONLY person currently in this roomthat he ever taughthow to KILL a homunculus."  
Edward snickered and nudged Mustang playfully in the side. "Envy got told!"  
At this point, Maes had popped up at the table (magically), and was grinning at everyone. "Want to see?" he asked, as he started to hold up a picture, but was abruptly stopped as Roy's fist gripped the collar of his shirt tightly and flung him into an empty seat. Blinking, Hughes scanned the table in confusion.  
"Where's the Lightning girl?" Roy asked.  
Maes gave a little sob. "She's singing "Just the two of us" with that pushy shark-tooth guy. I wasn't needed (Greed kicked him out!)."  
Roy rolled his eyes and gave a soft little sigh, full of vexation. "Let's...just get on with dinner."

------------------------------------------------

Riza rolled her eyes in unison with Roy, though she hadn't meant to.She looked around at the nearly full table. At the head of one end was Roy, and an empty seat. At the other end was Dante and an empty seat. One side, from Roy's head of the table down, was currently occupied by Ed, then Alina, Envy, Scar, Lust and Wrath. On the other side was Maes, Al, and then four empty seats, which she assumed belonged to the scary silver-haired chick, Erin, Greed, and Keppler. Seeing as how there was no way that Riza was going to sit next to the bitch zombie from hell (i.e. Dante), she decided to try her luck with Roy and pulled up the chair next to him. At least she could keep him under control this way.  
Lust was tapping her clawed fingers on the table, thoroughly annoying Scar. Scar was glaring at Lust, who shrugged, smiled at him, then turned to Wrath, who had been trying to get her attention.  
"Lust..." he whimpered, "I want ice cream."  
"After dinner, Wrath," she said quietly, so that Envy wouldn't hear.  
Envy wouldn't have heard anyways, having been listening to Dante. Leaning back in his chair, he waved the old witch woman off. "I'm so scared," he muttered, sarcastically. He snickered and poked Alina, who swatted his hand away.  
Alina turned to Ed and grinned. "Envy's your brother then?"  
Riza looked down the table. "Where is Jean Havoc?" she asked Roy, having realized there was no place for the blonde man at the table. There wasn't any place for Gluttony either, really, but that wasn't of much concern to Hawkeye anyway.  
Finally annoyed, Alina turned on Envy and swatted his hand away. "What do you want, Envy?" she growled.  
Envy shrugged and stuck his tongue out at Ed.

-----------------------------------------------

Maes tugged at Roy's arm needily, grinning widely. Roy swatted his hand away, and, speaking to Hawkeye, stated, "He can join us when he's sober." Again, he slapped away Hughes' hand as it reached around Riza to tug on Roy's uniform.  
"Roy..." Maes whined, persistantly tugging again.  
"GODDAMN IT! WHAT?" Roy yelled at Hughes, moving to swat the older man's hand away, but tipping over his own chair by accident so that he slammed backwards into Edward. Ed flew from his seat and landed dazedly on the ground.  
"Whoops, sorry, FullMetal."  
Ed, who had been in mid-sentence when he had been tipped over, blinked up at Alina. "He's my HALF-brother." This was followed by a short pause as the young Elric stuck his tongue out at Envy in retaliation. "Hey, Dark Alchemist, can you help me up?"  
Maes, meanwhile, having finally been regarded by Roy, giggled. "Havoc's drunk."  
Roy sighed. "I know that, Hughes."  
"_Real _drunk."

Havoc was indeed, real drunk. This was known simultaneously to practically the entire restaurant as suddenly an electric floor buffer shot out of the bar area, with the young blonde man clinging to it, ripping his shirt off and waving the tattered remnants high over his head with one hand as the other clung for dear life to the runaway piece of cleaning equipment. "WHOOHOOOO!" screamed Havoc with childish glee.  
Gluttony, nearby, watched as the buffer went by, noticing the delectable dinner attached to it with the thought, "Can I eat it?" He glanced at Lust, who wasn't paying him any attention: she was busy with the little evil dwarf.he looked back at the buffer, and then charged across the room without a single thought other then the pursuit of dinner.

Roy rolled his eyes. It was _definately_ a bad idea to bring everyone to dinner.  
He happened to glance up just as the ghostly Kareena wandered over to the table, her feet sliding across the floor as if they weren't really touching it at all. Creeped out, his eyes widened, and he continued to stare at her until the tall, ghastly girl had taken her seat beside Al.  
Looking at the tin-can armor beside her, Kari murmured a simple, "I'm...hungry."

------------------------------

Riza watched Havoc cling to the buffer, shaking her head piteously. Turning to Roy, she scoffed. "We might as well all be drunk. I, in fact, will be drunk long before 2nd Lieutenant Havoc is sober."  
Alina blinked and looked at Ed. She smacked Envy, who was about to say something, then nodded at the kid on the floor. "Yeah, alright," she said, putting out her hand to help him up. She stood to balance herself, and then glared at Envy, who was making fun of Edward. Growling lightly at the homunculus' cruel antics, she shot a smile at Ed as he managed to get to his feet.  
Lust cast a glance at Gluttony as the blob went off to chase Havoc and the buffer. She sighed and shook her head.  
Wrath grinned. "He's cool," he said, referring to Havoc. The little boy glanced at Scar and was suddenly at his side, staring and poking his tattoos. "What're those?' he asked.  
Scar blinked and pushed the kid away. "Get off," he growled.  
Alphonse, in an effort to be the only amiable one at the table, looked at Kareena and said, "Hi. I'm Alphonse Elric."

--------------------------------

Roy grinned stupidly. "I like the sound of that. He found himself adding, however, "But at this rate, it's going to be a loooong window of opportunity. Havoc's not going to be sober for quite some time." He shrugged. "Wahtever, but at least let me join you, Lieutenant Hawkeye."  
Ed stood with Alina's help and smiled. "Thanks. At least someone here is nice," he said, pointedly giving Mustang a fierce glare which the older man didn't even notice.  
Kareena looked over at Alphonse with an Osaka (Azumanga Daioh)-esque stare, just as her dark aura seemed to intensify and her eyes slipped to slits. But, just as suddenly as the darkness had come upon her, it left, and her eyes grew wide, her smile innocent.  
"Hi! I'm K...Ka...Kar? Kayla? Katie? Ka...Kari! Yeah I'm Kari! My name's...K?" she paused, having already forgotten her name again. She gave it about five seconds consideration, before looking at Al and saying, "Hi, I'm Kari, who are you?"

Havoc, having taken a broom as a weapon, was now riding across the tile floor on the buffer, yelling obscenities, and waving his tool of mass destruction at the gaping mouth in hot pursuit.  
"Back! Back you slobbering beast!"

---------------------------------

Riza stared at Roy. "I don't _want_ to know what would happen if I got drunk with you," she said, as she waved the waiter over.  
Alina smiled at Ed, then looked over at Riza. "Ey! If you're getting a beer, then I want one too!"  
Riza raised an eyebrow at her. "You're underage, BlackWing."  
Alina stared at her for a moment, then shrugged. "So?"  
Riza laughed, turning to the waiter. Almost politely, she stated, "To hell with the rules. Order a round for everyone." She slumped back down in her chair comfortably.  
Scar looked at Hawkeye and blinked. "Even this brat?" he asked, pointing to Wrath.  
Riza nodded. "Even him."  
Envy grinned and slammed a fist rowdily on the table. "YES! Alina's going to get drunk!"  
Lust shook her head and looked at Wrath as he asked, "What's beer? Does it taste like sugar?"  
Envy interrupted before Lust could say anything. "Yes it does, Wrath."

-------------------------------------

Roy grinned the unmistakable grin of "I'm going to get some", fantasizing the things he might get Hawkeye to do once she was good and wasted. Like, perhaps, getting her into a miniskirt.  
Ed shook his head scornfully in Roy's general direction, then looked at Riza. "Do I have to drink? I'm still a minor, you know."  
Maes smiled cheerfully and began to hum, much to the few true adult's at the tables dismay, the beer song.  
Greed waltzed over, slinging himself lazily in a chair beside Kari, a sharktoothed smile plastered on his face. "Did someone say beer?"

Havoc, meanwhile, found himself in an awkward position. While leaning out to smack Gluttony with the broom, the floor buffer had shot from underneath him and scurried away to the kitchen, seeing this as its only opportunity of escape. Now the young Lieutenant was seated, dazed, on his ass on the hard floor, with a gaping, acidily-drooling mouth looking down on him. Shit.  
He could almost picture the tombstone:

"Jean Havoc  
Died at the age of 23  
Cause of Death: He made a good meal for the Pillsbury Doughboy's worst enemy, but there were too many bones!"

* * *

_**To be Continued...**_


End file.
